Kevin Vandever

Have you, or anyone you know, ever been offered something to eat or drink and decline with, “I can’t, I just brushed my teeth!”? I’ve heard this statement from more than one person in my life and I don’t understand the concept. Can’t? What do you mean, can’t? Is the tooth fairy going to suffocate you in your sleep if you eat after you brush your teeth? What if the food offered is really, really good or you just decide that you’re hungry again? You mean to tell me you CAN’T eat because you brushed your freakin’ teeth? I’m assuming that this is an evening only statement. I’ve never heard anyone utter it after the morning brushing, but still, come on! Even if you’re worried about what your dentist might think or what the tooth fairy will do to you in your sleep, you could, oh I don’t know, brush AGAIN!

I understand if you aren’t hungry or the food being offered isn’t all that good and therefore not worth the time it takes to re-brush for the evening, but if that is the case, state, “I won’t, I just brushed my teeth!” That makes it sound as if you’ve made a decision. Like you’re a take-charge person who has weighed the options and is now instructing the evil tempter to take his food and shove it! This, I can respect. This is the statement of a successful person. A leader of men…and maybe women. Someone who is not afraid to take a chance, but also knows when it is prudent not to do so. The use of “can’t” is weak and not only disrespects the food offerer but in a larger sense, defines you as a coward. As someone who lives in fear and who never questions anything, not even the tooth fairy.

So, go ahead and decline that divine dessert, but do so because you won’t, not because you can’t. When you figure that out, you’re on your way to the path of enlightenment and an enriched life. Me? I brush my teeth in the evening and then go right out into the kitchen and chew on a few sugar cubes and follow that with some popcorn and chunky peanut butter. Then I brush again. That is just the way I roll!

written by Kevin Vandever \\ tags: Life, Living, pet peeves, rant

Last weekend my daughter, Kalia, and I ventured into an upscale clothing store. I won’t name the store but I will tell you that it is based in London and the staff serves martinis to its customers, and even potential customers. As civilized as the latter is, I typically don’t shop at this particular store, but I had walked in during the holidays (rumors of martinis) and I actually dug some of what I saw. So here it was on this day, fashion consultant Kalia by my side, that I bravely set foot inside for something other than a martini.

I entered the store and took in my surroundings. As I made my way toward the men’s shirts, I noticed that an extremely attractive saleswoman was staring at me and sporting a surprisingly seductive smile on her face. I began to turn to see who was behind me, but thought better of it. This was the big time, I had to act like I’d been here before, like I belonged. So, I smiled back. She gave me an approving nod and turned back to help a customer. As I made my way deeper into the store, I took another glance toward the woman and she was once again smiling and staring at me. I felt like Chevy Chase in Vacation and this saleswoman was Christie Brinkley. She seemed very pleased that I had entered the store that day. Our moment was broken by capitalism.

“Hi there! Can I help you?” a young, well facial haired salesman inquired. He also seemed happy that I was in the store that day, but I figured for a different reason.
“Just kind of looking, right now” I answered.
“Where is my martini?” I thought.
“OK, let me know if I can help” he said as he jetted to the back room.

I shopped around for a while but didn’t see anything I needed so I started to make my way out of the store when I eyed some nice sweaters toward the front. As I stopped to take a look, I noticed through my keen peripheral vision that Christie was walking toward me. As she moved closer, she smiled again. I said, “hello” but she said nothing as one does when he or she is overwhelmed with emotion.

I felt pretty good now. All I needed was a martini. I decided to try on one of the sweaters and while I was at it, with my new found confidence, shoot a debonair look Christie’s way. She must have felt, and was impressed by, my presence because she turned toward me at the same time and laid that smile on me again. This time Kalia broke the spell,

“Dad, you going to try on the sweater?”
“Huh? Sweater? What? Yeah, I think I will”

I found my sales guy and asked to try on the sweater. It fit, looked pretty good and, most importantly, was approved by Kalia. So I headed to the cash register where Christie was already there ringing up another customer. My sales guy finished with me at the same time as Christie finished her sale so I looked her way expecting to see that old familiar smile, but she did not smile. I looked away, quickly regrouped and turned back again, but still nothing. In fact, her face and body language said, “Look, I’m done with you. You purchased something so now get out! And quit starring at me!”

She had done me! Sales tactics 101. I have worked in retail before and knew many of the tricks, but she got me. Flirt with the customer until he buys. I quickly went from Chevy Chase to Robert DeNiro in Analyze This! When Billy Crystal would say something that impressed DeNiro, he would point his finger at Crystal, shake his head and say, “You…You’re good. You’re good”. Yeah, I felt like that. She was good. It didn’t work, of course. I was going to buy anyway. Really, I was, but she was good…and I never did get that martini.

written by Kevin Vandever \\ tags: Flirting, Laws of attraction, Retail Tricks, Shopping

It used to be the case that I enjoyed shopping at Costco about as much as I did visiting my dentist for a root canal…without Novocain. It ranked right up there with sitting in heavy traffic, cleaning toilets, and judging a fingernail scratching a chalkboard contest. I don’t want to go in to all the reasons why this was the case, but I will say that it was a combination of my lack of affinity for shopping in general, my overall views on the mega-store concept, and the fact that Costco will sample the you-know-what out of its products, but won’t let the customer sample wine. (The latter is a topic for another time)

Well, that all changed with the Invention of Costco Wars (except for the wine sampling part). I know longer mind going to Costco, even on a busy Saturday afternoon. In fact, that is even a better time to go if Costco wars are the goal. What are Costco wars, you ask? Well, first off, they are not wars in the sense you might be thinking. Instead, they are a variety of challenges and dares related to shopping at Costco. The concept was spawned out of Twitter conversation between Felicia Yonter and me. It is meant to add (more) fun to the shopping experience, but I don’t need to explain it here because Felicia does a fantastic job of it on her blog so check it out, join in the games, and please post your ideas and results on Twitter or to either of our sites.

-Unfortunately necessary disclaimer copied from Felicia’s post: This is a fun game suggestion and is in no way affiliated with Costco officially, although Costco employees are welcome to participate. Please do not get hurt and absolutely do not hurt others in an effort to snap a picture for participation. Jeez.-

written by Kevin Vandever \\ tags: #costcowars, Costco