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May 09
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I have not read the Twilight series, but I feel as though I have because the three women in my life have read all four books and watched the first movie more than a few times. They battled the temptation for months feeling that by caving in to these books, they would somehow be cheating on the Harry Potter, Zac Efron, Legolas, Aaragorn and the Jonas Brothers. My youngest daughter fell first and read the first book seemingly in about 8 minutes. My oldest daughter then followed and after an evening when my wife and two daughters watched the first Twilight movie, my wife soon joined the book-reading, movie-watching club. It got so intense that we had to purchase or borrow multiple copies of the each book because no one was willing to wait for the other to finish. It was Twilight overdose in our house. Reading in the car, at the dinner table, and in the bathroom ensued. Complex discussions took place among the three of them with mathematical precision knowing exactly how much each could discuss without blowing it for someone else who hadn’t read that far, yet. It was amazing and I get it because I was the same way with them during the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings book reading frenzies in our house. I chose not to join them this time.
However, the reason I am writing this post is to discuss a certain character from Twilight that seems to have women, both in my family and outside of it, going a little bit nuts. That character is Edward. According to everyone I know who has read the book, he is great looking, nice, honorable, chivalrous, talented, sexy, charitable, sensitive, appropriately aggressive, always puts the woman first and maybe the only one alive, or dead, to give The Most Interesting Man in the World from the Dos Equis commercials a run for his money. Who can blame those women who are looking for “their Edward”? I was starting to look for him myself. The problem isn’t looking for a man with most of those traits. In fact, I think it is the right thing to do, but I am afraid women are setting themselves up for disappointment because it is a bit like searching for Sasquatch. He may or may not exist, but even if you do find him, do you really want a relationship with him? I’m not so sure.
Let’s start with his non-human traits. Edward is immortal, reads minds, doesn’t sleep, and is a Vampire. All cool things when looked at on the surface, but very problematic when it comes to relationships. First off, what woman wants to be with a man who doesn’t age. It might seem cool to be with a younger man, but as you keep aging and eventually become three times older than your man, that gets a little creepy. There is always cosmetic surgery or body augmentation, but that can get expensive. And as great as Edward is in all aspects, could even he be tempted to look at, and stray to, other women more his own age? I don’t know, but it’s out there. Also, do you want someone who can read your every thought? Most women I know wish men could read their minds, but really, is that what you want? Every thought? Mel Gibson may have made it work in the movie, What Women Want, but I think Hollywood has glossed over the real issues with such a power. And what about never sleeping? OK, that works. We don’t have to go into details. And as a side benefit, he will use some of the spare time to become a world class piano player. Nice. The last non-human trait is that he is a Vampire. A moral Vampire, of course, meaning that he doesn’t kill humans to quench his blood thirst, he only kills animals. That is a positive thing in a relationship and should not be overlooked. Besides, imagine the savings you will realize on your grocery bill by hunting down your own meat. Can he swim? If so, that would really be beneficial as seafood prices are ridiculous these days. OK, so maybe there are some benefits to having a Vampire as your man, but forget about spending the day at the beach with him, or at a day game at Wrigley, or anything else you enjoy doing in the sun because your man can’t be in the sun. I don’t know about you, but some of these traits may be too much to overcome. At least think about these things before jumping into a relationship.
Now, let’s take a look at the human traits I mentioned earlier. Excellent traits to have, but talk about fiction. Are you kidding me? You’ll have an easier time dating Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny than you would finding a dude with all these traits. And even if you did somehow find such a person, what would happen the first time your Edward opens the car door for a woman and she says, “I don’t need the car door opened for me, A-hole!”. Or when Edward discovers Sports Center, beer, the couch, and the act of enjoying all three while expecting his woman to cook dinner for him? Is he still a dreamboat when bills pile up, money is tight and he now has to spend his sleepless nights working a second job to pay the mortgage? No, the idea of Edward is absurd. I enjoy good fiction like the next person, but this is going too far. This man does not exist and any woman looking for him is wasting her time. Get back to settling. It makes life easier for both men and women.
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